THE THING ABOUT HAPPILY EVER AFTER

So here’s the thing: I feel like it is high time somebody kicked out the elephant in the fairy-tale room.  As children, every one of our inspirational, disneyfied stories all tell us exactly how to land our man, but not one of them feels the need to expound on the nitty gritty details of our happy endings.  And so, I am here to point out certain details which good old Walt forgot to mention…

Picture this: your handsome prince (cute single guy) has swept in (bumped into you at the bar) slayed the dragon (bought you a double vodka) and valiantly taken you away on his magnificent steed (opened the door of his mini cooper so you could hop in.)  But that is not all.  You go back to your place and talk all night (yes, talk!) and all is looking rosy when he calls you the very next day for a repeat performance.  This, I believe, is what most modern girls would see as a dating success story.  Sure there might not be any misty moors or enchanted castles, but even us Disney fanatics have learned to keep it real out of necessity.

But wait! There’s more...  You’ve met his parents (delightful,) he’s met yours (went swimmingly,) and he is now your brother-in-law’s go to guy, helps your sister with the washing up every Sunday, avidly debates with your father over the football scores which no-one else cares about and, what’s more, treats you like, yes you guessed it, a princess. This is the best case scenario.  And so my grievance is not with the false advertising of our handsome prince, but more the fact that happily ever after is not quite as plain sailing as implied by the fairy godmothers and talking woodland creatures.

For example, every lady loves to be treated.  It is our right as the heroines of our own stories.  The handsome prince knows this and thus date night is born.  However, after three years of our happily ever after, all the restaurants in the local area have been tried to death, our bank accounts are drained by what is effectively that week’s petrol money (after all, every self respecting princess of the 21st century offers to split the bill in honour of her suffragette sisters of old) and most significantly, all the rich food and yummy desserts have left us with a stone of excess chub around the waistline.  

This leads me on to my next issue.  Why are we no longer quite as attractive as we were pre-H-E-A?  Our Prince Charming, as dedicated to the cause as always, never slips up in telling us how beautiful we are and while he was out fighting dragons, we were in the tower fighting our own battles with hair straighteners, mascara wands and the evil wax strip.  Three years later it occurs to us that we are adored just as much in pyjamas and bare-faces as we were in our best LBD and Kurt Geiger combo.  Before we know it, Slouchy Sundays become slouchy any-day-of-the-week.  Now I don’t know about you, but this sounds more like a tired fifty year old who has been laid waste by the birth of three children, decades of school runs, vicarious pregnancy scares, mortgages... (cue empathetic stress shudder.)  All of a sudden the evil witch of our original story doesn’t look quite so run down….

And so, what is to be done?  Because at the end of it all, external sympathy for our princesses will be in short supply.  The world is rife with, not only real problems (war, famine, global warming etc,) but also is populated by millions of couples with genuine marital deficiencies and singletons.  Therefore, my ponderings are aimed at those who have already experienced their happy ever afters and who are merely re-jigging their perception of bliss.  Here is what I propose: let’s not take it out on the prince.  All men are flawed.  The Beast was, well a beast, Derek was too short, Aladdin was a kleptomaniac, Prince Charming was actually christened ‘Charming,’ and in real life Simba would have been sleeping with all of Nala’s friends, sisters, cousins… you get the idea.  But they do their best and therefore we should adapt.  Next time order a soup and salad combo at the restaurant, it’ll be cheaper and the calories will be negligible.  Then take the leftover funds and replenish the wardrobe and make-up stocks.  The evil wax strip has been discovered to have regenerative properties and so needs to be conquered again and again; the mascara wand truly does hold a vast amount of magic when used properly and a solid pair of GHD’s have repeatedly proven themselves to be the affordable version of a girl’s best friend.  

Of course all this advice goes out the window if Prince Charming turns out to be more like Prince Douchebag in which case consider all suggested accessories weapons against said Prince in order to steal his steed in order to, literally, get back on the horse.