THE THING ABOUT BREAK-UPS

So here’s the thing: due to the appalling lack of, well, anything in the cobweb-ridden recesses of my relationship history circa pre-2009, I have never actually been through a break-up.  However, they say those who can’t do teach and therefore I have found myself doling out years of advice extracted directly from various chapters of what I like to think of as ‘The Best Friend Textbook.’

One of my closest friends once referred to me as the textbook best friend and I have tried to abide by these self-imposed unwritten laws of sisterhood ever since.  It must be my geek tendencies which ensure that whenever I fall at a friendship hurdle I always have that gut wrenching feeling kin to failing a test, only instead of some government funded curriculum, these are life laws which cannot be re-sat to get a pass grade.  Every slip-up must be paid for in hours of insomnia and perpetual anxiety.  Needless to say, I try very hard to be a good best bud.

One of the key components when sailing aboard the HMS Friend Ship (feel free to shoot me now,) is listening.  And what better way to prove your mate-mettle than paying witness to relationship woes?  Surprisingly this was a lot easier when I was single.  It used to be if the guy is an idiot, sack him off and let’s get drunk.  Now, I am older and wiser.  Oh don’t get me wrong, if the guy is a douche the answer is still sack and sip but the road to unbearable behaviour is getting longer by the year.  

I suppose now that I have my own romantic relationship to maintain, I am just as invested as my counterparts in ironing out familiar niggles such as the boyfriend interrupting a supposedly solitary bathing session for the fifth time in an evening (you know who you are.)  After all, if another long standing couple can’t overcome these pesky grievances, what hope does my relatively infantile couplet have?  And so, it becomes more and more difficult to issue the once trusty ‘get rid of him’ advice.

And yet there comes a time when enough is enough.  This may be for a variety of reasons.  I am lucky to say that none of the recipients of my textbook’s advice have had dire reasons for their break ups but that is another topic for another day.  Whilst our teenage years were prevalent with cheating scumbags who had just discovered the intended use of certain areas of anatomy and made it their mission to give demos to as many drunken disco attendees as possible, our post-uni days seem to be more concerned with that beloved American term which manages to imply a lot without actually saying anything: irreconcilable differences.

It is here that the textbook takes a decided swerve away from the direction of unbiased philosophy and considered wisdom as every best friend knows, there is only one side to take.  The cause becomes less important than the solution.  Once a healthy amount of crying and bitching has been expelled, then can come the fun part.  It is the best friend’s sworn duty to support all makeover ideas, no matter how conservative or drastic.  The newly single should be wrapped up in a warm whirlwind of girl chats, wine tasting, shopping and general merriment.  And if, in between manicures, there comes a time to dip a sentimental toe back into the pool of nostalgia, it should be with the intention of evoking a sense of time well spent with a person who, despite being benched in order to be replaced by an improved model in the future, nevertheless played an important role in the game thus far.

The textbook is clear in its footnote that recovery time will vary between friends as per their situations and susceptibility to optimism.  However, there is also a direct correlation between support given and bouncebackability (technical term.)  One more silver lining is that I know a few candidates who possess their own, individually edited copies of ‘The Friendship Textbook’ in their life libraries and so I can let my relationship run its course, niggles and all, knowing that there is a team of highly trained specialists waiting with tubs of Ben & Jerrys, a bottle of red and an action plan to relaunch this Relation Ship if it were ever to run aground.